Mr. Shwartz goes to meet his new son-in-law to be, Sol.
He says to Sol (who is very religious), “So nu, tell me Sol my boy what do you do?”
“I study the Torah,” he replies.
“But Sol, you are going to marry my daughter, how are going to feed and house her?”
“No problem,” says Sol, “I study Torah and it says G-d will provide.”
“But you will have children, how will you educate them?” asks Mr. Shwartz.
“No problem,” says Sol, “I study Torah and it says G-d will provide.”
Mr. Shwartz goes home and Mrs. Shwartz, his wife, anxiously asks what Sol is like.
“Well,” says Mr. Shwartz, “he’s a lovely boy, I only just met him and he already thinks I’m G-d.”
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Son-In-Law
November 28, 2011 by Jewish Humor
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Mind Reader
August 2, 2011 by Jewish Humor
My cousin Moishe owned one of the biggest and fastest-growing businesses in North West London, a furniture store.
I convinced him that he needed to take a trip to Italy to check out the merchandise himself and because he was still single, he could check out all the hot Italian women, and maybe get lucky.
As Moishe was checking into a hotel, he struck up an acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. She only spoke Italian and he only spoke English, so neither understood a word the other spoke.
He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner. After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
Moishe was dumbfounded, and to this day remarks to me that he’s never been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.Category Jewish Jokes | Tags: | Comments Off
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Divorce
July 31, 2011 by Jewish Humor
An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough.”
“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her,” and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, “Like heck they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.” She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, “You are NOT getting divorced! Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back! , and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “They’re coming for Passover and paying their own airfares.”
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Lottery
by Jewish Humor
Becky runs into the house and yells to her husband. “Izzy, pack your bags! I won the lottery!”
“Should I pack for warm weather or cold?” asks Izzy excitedly! “Whatever, “ yells Becky. “Just so you’re out of the house by noon!”
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Thirsty
July 28, 2011 by Jewish Humor
An old man is sitting at the back of a crowded bus, jam-packed with passengers. “Oi, am I thirsty…! Oiiiiii, ammmm IIIII thirsty…” he kvetches loudly. Ten, twenty, thirty minutes go by, and he’s still complaining. Everyone on the bus can hear him and he’s driving the other passengers crazy. Finally, somebody begs the bus driver to stop the bus so they can get this man a drink. They pull into a rest stop and somebody runs in and brings him a big bottle of water. He drinks the entire bottle without coming up for air. The bus pulls out and everybody breathes a sigh of relief. Suddenly, from the back seat, “Oi, was I thirsty. Oiiiiiiiiiii, wassssss IIIIIIII thirsty…”
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Two Jews
July 27, 2011 by Jewish Humor
Two Jews are walking through an anti-Semitic
neighborhood one evening, when they notice
that they are being followed by a pair of
hoodlums.“Sam,” says his friend, “we better get out of
here. There are two of them and we’re alone!”Category Jewish Jokes | Tags: | Comments Off
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Best Shop
July 26, 2011 by Jewish Humor
One day, a shop owner decides to paint his shop yellow and to write on the entrance; “Greatest shop in the country” so that he will get more clients.
His neighbour, two doors left from him, decided to do the same but wrote the text: “Greatest shop in the world”.
The Jewish neighbour in the middle did the same. On the entrance of the shop he wrote; “Entrance”.
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Bernie and a dog
July 25, 2011 by Jewish Humor
While leading the Friday evening services, the Rabbi noticed a member of the congregation, Bernie, walk in with a St. Bernard dog. The Rabbi, horrified, asked the Cantor to take over the service and went to talk to Bernie.
“What are doing here with a dog?”
“The dog came here to pray.”
“Oh, come on.” says the Rabbi.
“It’s true,” says Bernie.
“I don’t believe you. You are just fooling around and that’s not a proper thing to do in a synagogue.”
“Its really true,” says Bernie.
“OK,” says the Rabbi (thinking he would call Bernie’s bluff), “then show me what the dog can do.”
“OK,” says Bernie nodding to the dog. The dog opens up the barrel under his neck and removes a yarmulke, a tallis (and puts them on) and prayer book and then starts saying prayers in Hebrew!
The Rabbi is so shocked he listens for a full 15 minutes. When the Rabbi regains his composure, he is so impressed with the quality of the praying he says to Bernie. “Do you think your dog would consider going to Rabbinical school?”
Bernie, throwing up his hands in disgust says, “You talk to him, he wants to be a doctor!”Category Jewish Jokes | Tags: | Comments Off
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A Dream
June 2, 2011 by Jewish Humor
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Iran’s President, called Barak Obama on the phone late one night.
“I’ve had a remarkable dream, Mr. Obama” he said, “and it’s something you should know about.”
“Well, Mr. Ahmadinejad what was your dream all about?”, queried the President.
“I dreamed that the USA had gone through an enlightening reformation”, he said, “and in front of every house was a huge banner.”
“That’s intriguing, Mr. Ahmadinejad Tell me, what did it say on these banners?”, asked Obama
“They all said the same thing: Allah is God, Allah is great”, stated Mahmoud, as if he could taste victory.
“It’s quite odd that you should call me about a dream, as I had one the other night as well”, said obama
“And what was your dream about, Mr Obama?
“I dreamed that Iran had gone through a reformation as well, and on every house was a flagpole.”
“So, what was on the flags?”, asked the Iranian.
“I have no idea”, said Obama, “I can’t read Hebrew.”
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Pedestrian
May 30, 2011 by Jewish Humor
A Jewish pedestrian gets hit by a car.
The paramedic asks, “Are you comfortable?”
The man replies, “I make a good living.”
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